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Another fine mess

melting camembert

On a day to day basis, the family try our very best to be all things to all men. On the whole, our guests seem generally happy and appreciative, but now and then we have to put our hands up to getting it wrong - monumentally if the following examples are to go by!

The gentleman guest who was most perturbed that we had advertised a sea view without explaining that the tide may be out at breakfast, thus depriving him of the expected watery vista whilst enjoying his "Full Scottish". Not only had we misled him into making a booking but had the cheek to deny responsibility for this outrage!

The irate lady who ranted our at insolence for entering her room whilst she was asleep to play, what was in her opinion, a mean-spirited trick for our own gratification. We protested that we had been nowhere near her room in the wee small hours, preferring, like her, to get some sleep before the rigours of the following day. "How dare you" she ranted, break into my room and move the light switch to another wall. "Impossible" we replied. Such a complex undertaking would require the services of a competent electrician, not to mention someone to repair the plasterwork and yet another individual to re-wallpaper. How could all this possibly take place without waking her? Besides, we had checked and the light switch was in the exact same place we remembered it being for the past twenty years or so. Our protestations failed to convince her and she took her leave muttering darkly under her breath about the standard of accommodation providers these days.

The couple who hurtled downstairs to report "the most appalling pong" in their bedroom. So rancid was the smell that they felt quite ill. Shocked into silence at this news, we ran to ascertain the cause of the malodorous whiff. On entering the room, we had to admit they were right. The smell was truly awful. Gasping we threw open the windows and fighting nausea, we began to search for the cause of the abomination. As the stink had permeated the room in its entirety, it was not immediately evident from where the stench emanated. Still, we persevered and slowly, very slowly, we homed in on the bed. There was no doubt about it. The bed was reeking! We gingerly pulled back the duvet and recoiled to the far side of the room in horror. Some large, thick glutinous mess was slowly running down the sides of the mattress. Was this some new life-form, or something very unpleasant and very dead. We took the plunge; the mystery must be solved. Out of the gloop, we spied what may have once been a wrapper. This turned out to be the most excellent of clues, having printed on it, in a large and decorative font, "Camembert". Prior to its conversion to liquid, this had been a prodigious sized cheese. Presentation of the afore-mentioned voluminous wrapper to the occupants of the room resulted in a remarkable change into their demeanour. "Goodness gracious, they had completely forgotten putting the cheese under the duvet to assist the ripening process. Clearly the warmth of the late August day had speeded things up rather more than they had expected". They chortled their apologies and we laughed with them. Why wouldn't we? They had another four nights of sleeping in that room!